Learning

I remembered crying a million tears after a bad break up without actually knowing why. I am always a sucker for romance. A hopeless romantic, if you will. But I knew the coming of each and every break up. I am a willing participant, even. And yet I still cry a river when each partnership ends. For years, I thought I was crying for losing the affection of one person. In reality, since I had correctly predicted each break up, my tears are more for losing the routine I’ve established since the start of each relationship. After each break up, and trust me, I’ve went thru a lot of break ups, I strived to rekindle the love relationship I have with myself but only to let it waver when I fall in love with someone else. What is it with me? Why is it difficult to love 2 people, myself and my partner, at the same time? Why is it when I love, I gave myself away only to be hating myself more and more as the relationship progresses. I’ve read somewhere and have even dispensed this advice; you can’t love another without first loving yourself. Theoretically, I agree a 100 per cent. Practically, I am just a preacher ignoring her own words. But recently, I’ve realized, ignorance can be bliss.

I have been with my man for 2 years when he popped the question. I said yes, without missing a beat, at the same time thinking, “I must be pretty awesome for someone, as wonderful as he is, to want to give me his last name.” I guessed I never really gave myself credit for the being the person I am. I have yet to learn from all of my mistakes and I am still continually making new ones. I have caught myself on more than one occasion being one sided in my relationship; loving him more than I love myself or loving me more than I do him. But I guess that is ok. I did good. We are both still around, with much intact and still very in love. For the mistakes we’ve made, and I am sure we will be making some more, we have both developed a self-healing heart and an ego that bruised and heals as quickly as a day. Some mistakes are necessary. You need mistakes to learn. It is a lifelong process.